We had the last meeting of our Taking the Leap Meditation Book Group at Yoga Bliss yesterday. We came together for gentle yoga practice, meditation and discussion of the next three chapters in Taking the Leap: Uncovering Natural Openness, The Importance of Pain and Unlimited Friendliness.
We used the practice as a way to slow down, relax our minds and experience opening. We also used conscious movement to sense body/mind discomforts and limitations and to realize that we share this very human experience. We practiced compassionate abiding in the pauses between movements. We contacted feeling and sensation while opening to the fluid energy of being and and breathing.
We explored the Tonglen practice that Pema describes in Unlimited Friendliness. The formal practice is a unique form of body/mind contemplation that rides on the breath. It is generally preceded and followed by brief periods of simple sitting meditation. Tonglen, or exchanging oneself for others, is a practice for activating loving kindness and compassion. The Tibetan word . . . literally means “sending and taking.” It refers to being willing to take in the pain and suffering of ourselves and others and to send out happiness to us all. We breathe in what is painful and unwanted with the sincere wish that we and others could be free of suffering. As we do so, we drop the story line that goes along with the pain and feel the underlying energy. We completely open our hearts and minds to whatever arises. Exhaling we send out relief from the pain with the intention that we and others be happy. When we are willing to stay even a moment with the uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it. Then when we see someone in distress we’re not reluctant to breathe in the person’s suffering and send out relief.
We shared our reflections on the meditation and the readings. Several students described intense physical responses to what they were contemplating. We agreed that there were some subjects that evoked caring and compassion yet they were just too difficult to breathe in. I just got a mailing from Amnesty International which describes the violence against women that goes on every day in so many places. I’m not breathing that in right now but I can support AI’s efforts to stop the injustice.
My experience of Tonglen was very immediate and challenging. I chose to practice with the feelings of anguish, fear and pain my Uncle and Aunt are likely experiencing as he faces the final stages of terminal cancer. This contemplation took me right back to my Dad’s final illness and death four years ago. Recalling the experience of his last days triggered a cascade of physical responses in my body – I felt heart sore, my heart beat faster, my chest constricted and I flushed with heat. My thoughts seem to be fuzzy, suspended – almost like an animal freezing up. It was really hard to keep breathing this in. The antidote seemed to be a sense of calm relaxation and spaciousness.
Honestly, I’m not making the connection with how the practice might help me or anybody else right now. I do recognize the powerful effects of my thoughts. I created a whole sympathetic nervous system event at will. I also diffused it and reestablished calm within myself. Of course I feel empathy for my Aunt and Uncle and a sadness that we will all share this part of being human. I got through the experience of supporting my parents by compartmentalizing my feelings while attending to their needs. Perhaps there are some compartments I could still empty? Perhaps it isn’t necessary to empty – I can live with the memories and explore how they continue to color and condition my experience.
In Uncovering Natural Openness Pema describes us as having a very solid view of our selves and others. We fortify our views with labels. While I can readily see this tendency within myself, it is more difficult to see what is motivating this impulse. I sense an uneasiness inside as I consider this. It has to do with “self” preservation. “I” feel threatened by the prospect of some one else imposing their will over mine. At what cost am I willing to fortify this “self”? Ignorance may be the price I’m paying – which ultimately leads to suffering. Pema suggests meeting others with an open mind. In a charged situation she recommends looking up at the sky for three deep breaths. This could certainly bring some fresh air into the fortress I strengthen every time I label impulsively.
Yet, I’m not willing to surrender discernment in identifying hurtful attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. This gets back to the issue of moral relativism. I think I’ll use my three breaths to create the calm in which true discernment occurs and to give myself the time for genuine inquiry – to question my own prejudices. Perhaps I could even build the courage to communicate!
In the Importance of Pain, Pema says that before we can know what our natural warmth really is we have to experience loss. She said that when her heart broke qualities of natural warmth: kindness, empathy and appreciation spontaneously emerged. She believes that many of our “unwanted” feelings contain the seeds of kindness, openness and caring. When I read this I recalled an incident that happened when I was struggling in a marriage that was ending. I was stopped at a light next to a car in which a woman, about my age, sat at the wheel weeping. The experience was so immediate – tears sprang to my eyes and I just “knew” what she was feeling. My heart opened to her – I wanted to hug her and tell her everything would be all right – that one day she would be happy again.
In Unlimited Friendliness, Pema encourages us to trust that we have what it takes to know ourselves truly without turning against ourselves. She calls it making friends. It prompts me to reflect on what it means to truly take care of myself and to consider whether my methods of self-care are helping me to develop the qualities I’ll need when facing a life challenge or to simply be truly present with others. I guess I’m talking about inner strength, a feeling and thinking resilience that enables me to refrain from reacting and to engage in compassionate responding.
Pema suggests trying Tonglen for the first person you meet one day. Begin by contacting the aversion or attraction they might evoke. Breathing in and contacting the feeling. Aspiring: “May both of us be able to feel feelings like this without shutting down to others.” Breathing out and aspiring: “May we be content and happy.”
I’ve put together a list of “homework” suggestions including “mindfulness” practices, questions for reflection and next week’s reading. You can find the homework at:
Taking the Leap Meditation Book Group Meeting 4 Homework
In Taking the Leap Pema offers many simple tools for building this strength and resilience, a day, a step, a breath at a time. She always circles back to the underlying humanity that we share: when we practice reflection it is with the aim of recognizing ourselves and each other. The practices of pausing, meditation, Transmutation and Tonglen all facilitate a direct experience of our shared humanity. My heart has been moved to laughter and tears by acquaintances, friends and strangers who are willing to try. We’re in good company!