We held our Monthly Meditation & Communi-Tea practice at Yoga Bliss. One Sunday a month we will offer students more time to go a little deeper and make new friends. We’re drawing inspiration from Karen Armstrong’s “Twelve Steps to a Compassionate Life”. Ms. Armstrong is a best selling author and TED Prize Winner who created and launched the Charter for Compassion.
During our first meeting we focused on the 1step: learning about compassion. Last month’s 2nd step involved taking a deep hearted look at the world around us and focusing on how we can actualize compassion within our family, workplace and nation. This month’s 3rd step explored extending compassion toward ourselves. Why bother? Karen Armstrong writes that if we cannot love ourselves we cannot love others:
“We have a biological need to be cared for and to care for others. Yet it is not easy to love ourselves. In our target-driven, capitalist . . . societies, we are more inclined to castigate ourselves for our shortcomings and become . . . down by any failure to achieve our objectives and potential. It is a terrible irony that while many . . . are suffering from malnourishment and starvation, in the West an alarming number of women – and . . . men – are affected with eating disorders that spring from a complex amalgam of self-hatred, fear, feelings of failure, inadequacy, helplessness and yearning for control. . . . The Golden Rule requires self-knowledge; it asks that we use our own feelings as a guide to our behavior with others. If we treat ourselves harshly, this is the way we are likely to treat others.”
We shared a guided meditation practice to cultivate the Four Immeasurable Minds of Love which Karen describes in her book. The meditation explored the positive emotions of loving kindness, friendship (maitri), compassion (karuna), joy (mudita) and equanimity “even mindedness” (upeksha) that lay dormant in our minds.
During our contemplation we reflected on the things that cause us to feel shame, to feel insecure, or not “good enough.” It is the human condition to be imperfect, and feelings of failure and inadequacy are part of the experience of living a human life. Then we created an imaginary friend who is unconditionally loving, accepting, kind and compassionate. A friend that can see all our strengths and all our weaknesses. This friend recognizes the limits of human nature, and is kind and forgiving. This friend understands that your particular inadequacy is connected to so many things you didn’t necessarily choose: your genes, your family history, life circumstances – things that were outside of your control. We wrote a letter to ourselves from the perspective of this imaginary friend conveying deep compassion and understanding.
Each of us could easily identify areas for “self-improvement.” Our conditioning runs so deep and we see ourselves and the world through its lens. One group member observed that “the map is not the territory.” She drew from fascinating book she’s found helpful “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know ” by Gordon Livingston. Her comment made me consider the maps I navigate with. How did they come to be? Have I questioned their veracity? A fish isn’t aware it’s surrounded by water until it’s abruptly hooked and taken out of its familiar environment. When our conditioning is challenged we have an opportunity to awaken: to question our perceptions and ask for help. What falsehoods about myself and the world have I accepted as truth? What beliefs, expectations or hopes do I cling to that actually undermine my well being and caring for others? Am I willing to act in accordance with my true values even when they conflict with consumer society’s norms?
We also discussed how we can use our own reactivity as an opportunity to examine these questions. Karen reminds us that it’s important to recognize that we all have dark side. . .
” . . . the “shadow,” a mechanism that enables us to disguise from our conscious, waking selves the less savory motives, desires, inclinations that influence our thoughts & behavior . . . We need to take ownership of this nether region of the psyche . . . If we are unable to accept our shadow, we are likely to take a harsh view of the the darker side of others. We often attack other people for precisely those qualities that we most dislike in ourselves This can lead us to project our . . . traits onto other people – a mechanism that inspires much stereotypical thinking that has lead to atrocity and persecution in the past. . . . “
In preparing for our meeting I took Dr. Kristin Neff’s self “Test How Compassionate You Are.” It’s a series of 26 self-reflective questions about your relative tendencies toward self-compassion. The test also examines self-Judgment, isolation, and over-Identification which indicate less self-compassion. My results? I really do need a lot of help from my friends.
You can find some practice suggestions and resources at: